Bad Days Suck

I realize there's a lot going on right now. I have had several days worth of migraines, the doctor changed my birth control, and I haven't had very much down time lately. But I really shouldn't be this stressed out about work, and I don't know how to fix it.

Yesterday I broke down about "the problem." For real, in tears, in my boss's office. Even worse, she's been my boss for less than a month. I have had 4 bosses in the last 6 months.

She told me I was too close to it, taking on too much, too emotionally involved. She's right, but I don't know how to fix it. Work is way too important too me.

The worst part is that I am trying to convince them to expand my department and give me some staff, but my erratic behavior surely gives them the idea that I don't know what I'm doing.

Someone will find this and connect it to me, which will be ridiculously easy, and that's the end of my job.

I am tired of being upset about something so little in the scheme of things, but I feel like I am letting others down. I don't have a choice.

I need to go perform. Time to put on my happy face.

Welcome! I'm Pretty Bad At This.

Welcome.  I'm a terrible writer, and I'm even worse at keeping up with things like blogs.  I've probably started half a dozen of these, tried to stay on some topic, posted 4 or 5 posts, and then completely abandoned them.  We'll see how long this one lasts.

What are my goals here?  To stop hiding.  Do a little self exploration.  Have a place to bitch that isn't at a family member.  Maybe talk a little bit about what's going on in my life.  I'm pretty awful about keeping up with anything. The nice way to put this is to say I'm a "multi-passionista" or something and that I'm good at a lot of things.  The truth is I'm like an ADHD squirrel on caffeinated nuts and who can't decide what I like or where I want to go in life, and so I fall short in everything, because I run out of energy before I've put forth a good effort.

I'm a pretty bad artist, too, and I may occasionally subject you to bad drawings or other artwork.  You've been warned!

So because of this...things go wrong.  I'm in a job I don't hate but feel like I could do better than.  My diet and exercise routine goes through fits and starts that I desperately try to keep close to "normal" behavior.  I'm not very good at being a grown up.  I've got a billion hobbies that come and go.  And I'm 30 - I feel like I should have mastered human social interaction by now, and sometimes it seems like I'm nowhere near close.

I want to do better, so welcome to my journey of self exploration and screwedupedness.  If you'd like to join along, feel free to come with me.  I'm happy to hear about you too.  I'd love to know I'm not the only one who hopes for more, wants to do better, is also a bit lost along the way.

About the title:  I've called this blog "Feeble Touchstones."  A touchstone is a thing (it used to be literally a rock) that's used to determine the worth of other things.  It seems to me a person needs several good touchstones to be well ground, productive, and happy in life.  I've got a few, and it may be that I didn't have very many good ones to begin with, but I feel like my main touchstones have worn away, and the ones I have are pretty poor - feeble.  I'd like to develop some better ones.  I'll work on that process here.